How To Win Friends and Influence People

By: Dale Carnegie

No discussion of books about leadership or interpersonal communication would be complete without talking about “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie.  This classic has sold over 15 million copies since its publication in 1936.  Perhaps beyond its popular success, the legacy of this book is that it created a whole new genre, blending self-help, business and management, and interpersonal communication into a new developmental formula.  This genre of course spawned many future successes (many of which are featured on this site) including Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” and tapped a popular interest in unlocking our hidden potential in life and in business.  Though sometimes criticized for being manipulative and exploitative in its approach to dealing with others, and being “outdated” by contemporary standards, this classic still has a lot of good advice to give, and aspiring leaders can certainly gain by reading the pages that so many great leaders before them have read. 

Using the book

At the beginning of the book, Carnegie has several “tips” for how to get the most out of the book.  The author advocates making the process of learning the principles discussed in the book an active process by reviewing them often, marking up the book to facilitate review, and stopping to think about the content in the book.  Clearly, the intentions of the author was to have the book used like a leadership development workbook that is used as a reference rather than a book that is read once and put away. 

How do you win friends? How do you influence people?

The book is divided into four parts.  Within each part, there are several chapters, each only a few pages long, that espouses a principle, then offers narrative vignettes to support the importance of the principle.  The four main parts of the book are listed below, followed by a discussion of each part:

I.                    Fundamental techniques in handling people

II.                 Six ways to make people like you

III.               How to win people to your way of thinking

IV.              Be a leader: How to change people without giving offence or arousing resentment

Part I. Fundamental techniques in handling people

This portion of the book is devoted to recognizing that human beings are emotional creatures full of pride and vanity.  People don’t like receiving criticism, in general.  Carnegie also discusses how individuals will go to nearly any length to avoid blame for their actions.  Thus, the lessons here are twofold: first, try to accept when you are to blame for wrongdoing and accept that feedback and second, try to forgive and forget when it comes to others.  Also discussed is the importance of making others feel important and validated, as well as the necessity of thinking about what other people need and want as a result of our interactions, not just what we want or need. 

Part II. Six ways to make people like you

Contemporary social psychological research indicates that persuasion is much more likely to occur if the persuader is liked by the individual they are trying to persuade (see the review of Cialdini’s book titled “Influence).  Thus, it is in our best interest to make others like us.  Several of the tips are offered by Carnegie to encourage others to like us including: developing a genuine interest in others, smiling often, remembering and using others names, listening well, integrating information about yourself or your interests into others’ interests, and using sincere compliments to make other people feel important. 

Part III. How to win people to your way of thinking

At some point, every leader will either need to persuade or will be persuaded by others.  Conflict between viewpoints is sure to emerge.  Carnegie suggests that the best approach to dealing with these situations is to avoid arguments by diffusing and disarming them by praising others for offering their views.  The author argues that no one ever really wins an argument, so it is your job as a leader to diffuse the situation and turn it back into constructive dialog.  Also, showing respect for the opinions of others and admitting your errors quickly and emphatically can diffuse conflict.

Part IV. Be a leader: How to change people without giving offence or arousing resentment

Leader’s are often charged with the task of making individuals understand that change is necessary.  Carnegie suggests that there are ways to do this that are significantly better than others.  For example, he suggests always starting discourse with another individual with praise for them, then calling attention to mistakes in an indirect manner without directly blaming the individual for the problem.  Always allowing other people to save face and not directly accusing them of wrongdoing will lead to more amiable communications and should ultimately lead to an increased ability to change the problematic behavior of others. 

Conclusion

Though just a brief summary, this discussion provides the developing leader with a good overview of the content of this classic book.  As our society moves toward a more technologically based economy, and the education we receive is increasingly focused on the acquisition of technical skill, books like this become even more relevant.  Interpersonal communication is still a vital part of what leaders actually do as evidenced by the large number of leadership competencies that are directly addressed by this book.  “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” would be a great resource for individuals looking to develop their interpersonal competencies. 

Discussion Questions:

1.  As you progress through the book, try to think of an example for each principle when you applied this and it worked.  Also try to think of a time where you didn’t apply this principle.  What was the result?  Does your experience indicate that the principle leads to successful communications with others? 

2.  As mentioned, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was a pioneering book.  Can you identify parallels between Carnegie’s principles and advice given by future authors in this genre? 

Core competencies that could be developed by reading and working with this book:

Self Management Dimension: Optimism, Self-Awareness, Humility, Suspending Judgment, Seeking Feedback, Communicating with Coworkers, Active Listening, Communicating Outside of the Organization.

Leading Others Dimension:  Social Orientation, Social Perceptiveness, Nurturing Relationships, Setting Goals for Others, Assessing Others, Coaching-Developing-Instructing, Cooperating, Persuading, Resolving Conflicts/ Negotiating, Empowering, Inspiring, Delegating, Providing Feedback.

~ Contributed by: Brian Siers

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